Denial (with a capital D) and letting go.

O.k. it's time for me to just come clean with it. This is difficult. I've been in denial for so long! Visions of a beautiful, colorful, delicious, vegetable garden are all but faded. I've been nurturing these peppers and tomotoes for about 6 weeks now. Two more weeks to go and I should be able to plant them in my garden! Except.......they aren't looking so hot. O.k., they're dead - except one. Can you see him? He keeps me holding on even though he's doomed to a fate not unlike those of his friends. His brown tips are probably screaming out to be put out of their misery. I'm sure he is envying those who have been laid to rest in the graves beside him. For those of you who are saying, "Give yourself a little credit. The big tomato plant looks pretty impressive - besides the droopyness," Well, I did lovingly transport him from Rexburg, Idaho to West Jordan, Utah. My master-gardener sister, Brooke, grew that one from a seed. He was vibrant and robust when I brought him home. Sorry, Brooke! I didn't know that this took skill and talent! I didn't know that plants were so touchy (ya, first I kill them, then I insult them). Needless to say, Jason mentioned as kindly as possible over a week ago that "this is when I would think, 'ya know, I tried and it just didn't work out'." Hmmm....letting go.....now there's an idea. Is that how he is able to accomplish so much? Ah well, a little more miracle grow should do the trick....ya, the fact that I really believed in my heart that miracle grow and a little sunshine would bring my brown shriveled up plants back to life was probably a sure sign of my denial. But those in denial don't know they're in denial. Well, something finally clicked with me today, however reluctant the 'click' was. They aren't coming back to life. And I'm guessing they wouldn't survive the 'hardening' (something I learned from Brooke. Who says knowledge is power?). I guess maybe it would be freeing to move on. The sight of my garden spot in the backyard does make me feel less and less excited about the gardening process. That rock hard ground....no tiller.... a getting-big-belly to haul around with my shovel ... no truck to haul manure in (I'm just guessing that Jason wouldn't appreciate manure hauled in the back of our jeep?....ya, better not go there). This has been ridiculously difficult for me to let go of. Look at Brooke's blog (link to the right) and witness all my dreams coming true in her yard. The only thing I ever grew and grew well was ... camera fading into a distant memory ... a little blue flower on our windowsill in Kooskia one summer. I was so proud of it. I nurtured it all summer. I called Brooke daily with a report and with questions on how to keep that baby growing - just to make sure. I talked to her excitedly on the phone with each evidence of progress. It came up green and beautiful. I was eagerly anticipating the blue flower to bloom any day. I was on my way to Logan for college with the pride of my life cradled in my arms as we made a stop to Rexburg. Upon seeing my beautiful plant, Brooke got a look of slight disbelief, slight comedy, slight compassion as she broke the news to me - "Amy, that's a weed." Well, it may have been a weed, but I grew it - me! And it was one loved weed! I still hauled it to Logan and put it in my window for a couple days before letting it go (I was in denial then too). Well, I guess it's time to admit it to myself. This is just not my cup of tea. Although even while the words come out I still have hope - hope that some beautiful warm spring day in my bright and shining future, it will be. But for now ... I'm letting go ...*sniff*


Oh, the things that could have been! I guess I'll be bagging
my peppers at Wal-mart for $1.50 each! Don't plan on coming
to my house if tragedy strikes; I'll be on my way to Montana.
Also, if you have a hankering for a fajita, you may not
want to plan on coming to my house; I'll be seated up to
Brooke's dining room table, napkin around my neck and fork in fist
crying out "Fajita Supreme, Please!"